A Second Look

This mornings walk was a wet and rainy one. A mild drizzle turned to a steady down pour. On these days I put my hood up and I kinda get into reflective groove as I walk. It's usually an intense session of deep insight into my own life. But today, it was a little different.
I was listening to a digital copy, recorded off of a record, of Jethro Tull's classic allbum "Aqualung." Now this was a huge hit for JT and for me. This album pegs out at number 67 on the all time best album list...it is a classic. I remember how so many of the songs went right along with my way of thinking about life..and in particular...religion.

You see when I listened to it as a teenager, it reinforced in me everything I hated about the church. It spoke to those things that reinforced my personal bents against the way people were so exclusive and did so much wrong in the name of God. These views of mine, and JT's for that matter, got this album the dubious honor of getting burned by the religious right...I mean literally thrown into a fire. The flames of course only made this album more popular with those of us that wanted to burn down the existing structures and moral values. And then...
A couple years after being an Aqualung junkie, I had a opportunity to actually meet the real Jesus. In my zeal to be more and more focused on my relationship with Him, I put a lot of those albums into the round file. Many of them just seemed to put me in a very critical place. This album was always a catalyst for my mind to look suspiciously at God and frankly His people. So Aqualung was one of those albums that went bye bye in my purge of music (I'll tell you about that at another time).
Then one day I came across a digital copy. I wondered how it would hold up after all these years. So I loaded it into my iPod and set off on my walk.
Now I have to tell you...it sounded GREAT!!! I mean those opening riff's of Aqualung are classic...simple...grunged up...but smokin hot. Thirty six years and the music is still so intense and it buzzes in my soul. But the lyrics took on a whole new meaning to me. In the midst of those words that used to ring so true in my life about all of the negative in the church...I heard the rest of the story. In the midst of the criticism of the church, was a prescription for the church. Don't put God into your little box...he's too big for that. God cannot be confined to our religion. Would you really want to worship a God you can control or easily figure out. These words (though not entirely biblically accurate) express the frustration that many people feel who are outside the church. Those of us who are in the church often are the reason people don't want anything to do with God. That is a crime...a shame...a disgrace.
It is amazing how often when people try to point out our flaws and inconsistencies, we tend to react negatively...we tend to want to destroy anyone or anything that would criticize. Seems to me that was a key reason Jesus was crucified. Now I am not trying to compare Aqualung's write Ian Anderson with Jesus. But sometimes people outside the church can have a perspective that we may not see. I mean come on, God has used a jackass to speak to his people...surely He could use a rock star to reveal a little bit of truth to the church. I think we can handle the truth...I know God can.

OOOOOUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ouch! Man, I hate it when that happens.
I hurt my knee this morning. I didn't do anything to it...didn't twist it...didn't fall on it...didn't do anything out of the ordinary to make it hurt. I started out like I do most mornings, full of vinegar and ready to be schooled by Him. But this morning about a quarter mile into my walk...pain. I hate pain...but I usually am one of those people that just pushes through pain...even if my leg were falling off I still keep dragging. But this was a sharp and very prevelant pain.
About then, I came to a cross roads of sorts. Now if I turn back now, I could nurse this thing back the short quarter mile. If I keep going it means no turning back and I have to go up and over my big hill. Drag on Limpy boy...its what I do.
So as I crest the hill, the pain is at its sharpest...like someone shot an arrow into it. I keep pressing on and somehow the pain subsides. It must have been the adjustments I made to my stride, or the way I way I angled my back as I walked. It was kind of embarassing walking that way but somehow it reduced my pain level. I was thankful that I didn't see any other walkers this morning...they can be so cruel. One little weird walking pattern and they think your weak. But I was safe this morning.
As I press on, the minister of funny walks (have to go way back to "Monty Python's Flying Circus" for that reference), I notice now my back is hurting...then my foot...now my neck is hurting....what's the deal? I didn't do anything wrong and now I've got pain everywhere. Oh sure I could have turned back...but lets face it...you would have thought I was a wuss if I had. I pressed on, made some adjustments along the way, compensated for my pain and now my whole body is messed up...whats up with that?
Then He spoke to me. I wasn't really going to listen...honestly I was a little mad at Him for not just fixing me. Now I have all these other pains and aches.
"Don't you see?" he says.
"See what?" I says. "I see I am limping and hurting and aching and and and...."
"Wuss" he says. "All around you are other walkers who are hurt and walking in pain...and you are one of those walkers who look at their walking style and criticize it...somehow thinking you are better than them."
"Huh?" I says "Whatchyou talkin bout Willis?"
"You have no idea what pain people are in as they walk. They have to make adjustments...they have to compensate for the pain they feel and as they do...it creates other pains."
"ME????" "I do that?" "Surely not me!" "Okay...well...maybe just a little bit."
He was right...I hate that when He's right...I should be used to it by now...He is usually right.
Why do we do that? Why do we see someone limping around and we want to pounce on them? It hurts to face the truth about ourselves.
Ouch...

The Greatest Hits

Well it has been way over a month since I have written...and walked for that matter. But today was one of those special and not so special days. Special because it was a beautiful cold but showy morning. The clouds were really magical, the sun rising made them all shimmer as it began to reflect off of the bottoms of them. The wind was brisk and bitey and depending on the direction I walked it either propelled me along or slapped me right in the face. It was special to listen to music I had been trying to locate for like 30 years and finally found it (Dennis Wilson's "Pacific Ocean Blue"...yeah the Beach Boys Dennis Wilson). It was and still is fantastic. It has one of my all time favorite songs on it called "Only With You." It was special just to be up and moving and outside...considering my advanced age it was really special.

But it was also not special today as well. It was like that 100Th episode of "Seinfeld" where they just show little clips from the past 99 episodes...you know...it's good and funny but nothing you hadn't seen. It's like buying a greatest hits album of your favorite artists. Mostly reruns of something you already have. Again...all good...but you've been there done that.

Today was that day as well. As I spoke to Daddy I was looking for something new and exciting...you know to rock your world. But instead I only saw the things I had seen before...nothing special...just a different day. I even had a close encounter with the Emu again this morning...he didn't scare me and I even got a close up pic of him...no sweat...he didn't even notice I was there. Same old houses, same old streets, same old pains and creaky legs and ankles. Same old Same Old. Kinda boring really.


It wasn't until I got home that it kinda hit me...

Same Old Same Old...can be a good thing. Sometimes it is our desire for the new and shiny toys that makes us fail to recognize that the things we have were once new and shiny to us...but over time they become just routine. It can be a car or a tool or a house or a TV or a yard or a town or a hobby or a memory or a or a or a or a..............

It can be a wife or a husband a child or a grandchild or a mom or a dad or a church or a friend or..........God...my GOD!!!!!

How can we ever take for granted these precious and amazing gifts? Sometimes NOT SPECIAL is incredibly special. Sometimes a Greatest Hits album is better than the original. I mean come on...the number one selling album in the history of the United States at over 29 million copies is "The Eagles Greatest Hits." That's pretty special...

A Walk For Life

I'm a very lucky man. I know, I am blessed too...but I gotta tell you, I believe in a little luck. Let me tell you what I mean.

32 years, five months, and a few short days ago, I went to play tennis with my roommate Dave. Little did I know that Dave had arranged for us to meet up with two Cal Poly coeds named Gretta and Tracey. Now they were both really nice and really cute...but I was sort of in this relationship still...well...it is very complicated. But it was nice to meet some nice girls and play some tennis where I actually looked good...in fact I was a tennis god (compared to them).

The one girl was quiet and smart with beautiful long blond hair. I have to admit...I was attracted right away to her. The other girl was loud...VERY LOUD!!!! And perky...VERY PERKY. But she was cute too...brown hair...long...her name was Tracey. I had never met a Tracey before...especially a girl one. These two were roommates as well...just for the summer. I don't think Gretta could have handled the Perky One for much longer than that. But we played "tennis" and I think we got some ice cream. Dave and I went home and he asked me, "what did you think of the girls?" Well of course I told him the truth...Gretta...really cool. Tracey...ANNOYING!!!!!! Dave thought the same.

I know, what does this have to do with luck...or walking for that matter. Well actually, quite a bit. At that moment in my life, I was still in love with my old flame...I had actually been engaged to her. The prospect of meeting a girl like Gretta made me think that maybe I shouldn't try to hang on any more to the past...you know break out...move on. Some times we hang on to what is familiar and we fail to see what lies ahead. I was in a vulnerable spot in my life. I was lonely, and insecure, and really unsure where my life was going. I needed direction...and a sign...what and where do you want me to go next Lord?

And then...I got a phone call...not from who I had expected...it was the loud one...Tracey. "Hey I was wondering if I could borrow a backpack?" she says. So the next thing I know, she's knocking on my door. "Come on in" I said...and she did. She has never left.

I was really lucky that day...lucky in that God in His wisdom took a situation that could have been really bad...and made something really good out of it. I mean who knew why that LOUD girl wanted to be with me. Was she lonely? Was she hurt and broken? I was. I was lost and broken and confused about a lot of things. It was in that very fragile state, that God would bring two people together. It was as if God said to us "for just this special time and place I grant you two the chance of a lifetime...DON'T BLOW IT!!! And we haven't.

It has been a long walk...32 years...I love that LOUD girl way more today than I ever could have then. She has been a faithful friend and companion. She is a wonderful mother and grandmother. She has been a great partner in ministry and in life. She is the love of my life.

I am sure my old flame is still a great person. I'm sure Gretta has had a wonderful life. But God said to me, "hey Bill...you take the LOUD PERKY ONE."

I'm so glad I did...I am a lucky blessed man.

Stormy

You know it's going to be a rough morning when it sounds as if your roof is going to blow off. The sound of driving rain pelting against your windows. Just the perfect conditions to stay in bed and only think about walking...right...?

Yup...I did it...I got my sorry self up and hit the streets. Right out the door it blew my hood off. I had to stop and pick up the garbage and recycle that had blown out of my trash cans waiting by the curb to be picked up. I stopped and picked up Nina and Tom's next door as well...I noticed all the cans on my side of the street were blown open, while the ones on the other side were not. Hmmm.

I set out walking and it really didn't seem as bad as it sounded inside. It felt as if I had more energy and more spring in my step...you know...really good. When it is like this it is so right...nice.

I continued on my normal loop, listening to the first Jars of Clay album...like me...it still sounded so fresh and young...powerful at times...Billy likes these times.

And then I turned the corner. I was hit with a direct south wind that blew a bucket load of rain right into my face and down behind my hood. The rain and wind felt as if I was just hit with a fire hose...it made me almost turn around. I should have trusted my instinct and stayed in bed. This sucked. How could I go from peaceful and powerful to drenched and defeated with just one turn of the corner?

Wind direction. Thats what it was. Wind direction. When going with the wind it seemed peaceful and calm...but exciting and invigorating all at the same time. When going against the wind...well it just seemed to really suck...big time.

It was about that time I heard that little voice...you know...from Him. Yeah...that one. How pleasant it is to go with the wind instead of against it. "Do you see any analogies here" He said...like I should know the answer or something. "Let me think about it for a moment" I says back...hoping I'll have the right answer. Wind direction...wind...pnuema...Holy Spirit...good with the wind...bad against it. "Nope" I says..."don't see any connection." I knew better...I lied...I knew what he was saying to me. Just then my favorite Jars song came on...Worlds Apart

Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

Apparently, some one else tried to walk against the wind. Trust me...it's not that fun.

Okay...it's January...

It is in fact January. I promised myself that I would put all of the bad habits I picked up at the end of 2008 behind me and start fresh again...and I almost didn't. After a half hour wrestling match I determined no matter how painful starting to walk again was, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as the three round tag team match against me...that's right...Father Son and the Spirit all had me in a head lock and full body slam. Alright...you win.

So it was dark and rainy and lonely out there...just like I like it. I set off this morning wondering how my feet were going to hold up, worried my legs would go out on me, my back was aching and so maybe I can cut it short. You know, looking for anything I could do to make the walk as self focused as possible, and yet still get credit for being obedient (well I guess I did loose the wrestling match). It is amazing how self absorbed and self focused we can be. I mean it was a glorious new day, warm (that's a big change) and barely raining...why did I not notice it? I was so smug for being obedient that I couldn't even enjoy the walk. It reminded me of Pastor Jerry's message on Sunday.

He talked about the three people who received talents. The one who got one buried his and didn't invest it in anything. God rebuked him for his lack of courage to do anything with it. Anyway, Jerry said those people that are represented people who are ONLY impacted by God, as opposed to someone who has been impacted but are impacting others as well. It was really good....I hadn't ever thought of it like that.

So it was with me this morning...I was that guy. I was the guy who was only worried about getting credit for how much I was sacrificing, how obedient I was being, how down right godly I was, I failed to see the morning. I was so focused on my feet and my legs and my back I failed to see the glory of God all around me. I had won the battle but lost the war. What a loser...how spiritual am I?

About three quarters of the way around my loop, a song came on my playlist by The Frames (a band I discovered in Dublin Ireland). The song was called "True". It was probably written for a woman...but hey God speaks to people through Donkeys...surely he could use a song to speak to me. Needless to say, the score stands...Bill zero...Trinity two...so far today.

Here it is.

True by Glen Hansard and The Frames

I find it so hard to be true
And all these lies I'm telling you
Are little anchors in my chest
That pull us down into this mess
I find it easy to distract
And just as soon as you turn your back
I'll be gone again

I find it so hard to be true
And all the secrets I keep from you
Are like a blackness in my heart
That only tears us both apart
I find it easy to pretend
That we're not heading for our end
That's why I'm telling you

I built a wall
I cut you off
Now there's no lie
That's gonna fix this up
I played the saint
The saint I aint
Now all the hurt
Is here again.... here again

I find it so hard to be true
But I'm gonna try my best for you
And every distance that we've known
Will disappear before too long
And every line we've ever drawn
Will be erased before we're gone
This I swear to you

I built a wall
I cut you off
No there's no lie
That's gonna fix this hurt
I played the saint
I cursed your name
Now there's no one
But myself to blame

That you're gone
wait...
wait

We Are Almost There

Okay, I adm it. I have not walked in a long time...but thats about to change. We are on our way to Yosemite and lots of hikes...even in the snow. I'll keep you posted.