The Slacker

Hello. I know...I'm a slacker. I know it...you don't need to say it...please don't say it...I feel it...I believe it.

I have actually walked now two days in a row. I felt it too. My legs and back really hurt just walking for the first time in a month...my ankles...I hate getting old. But I did it...I walked. I'm going to walk again tomorrow. I like it...don't hate it anyway.

I was going to write yesterday...but I didn't. I had to come to grips with the why I didn't write yesterday. It was shame. I felt shame for not writing, shame for not walking, shame for not intentionally connecting with Him in a way I normally love to do.

Now it seems odd of course that I would feel shame over not writing...I mean it is not my job, nor am I mandated to do so. It is not because there are thousands of people reading this every day (though I do appreciate the few and faithful that do read this). But I did feel a bit of shame for not writing.

It's weird to feel shame for not walking. I mean come on...I could walk 30 miles every day and still be a large man. But it is my form of exercise...such as it is. But there is shame because when you don't get any other exercise you begin to feel like a slug...a slug about to get salted. And yet it's there.

Feeling shame for not intentionally connecting with Him...well that is an age old source of shame. I go back to the original parents who hid themselves away from Him when they had violated his one rule. They felt shame for the first time. I can't even remember the first time I felt shame...it's been a constant in my life from the beginning. When I feel shame for what ever it might be, my first instinct is to avoid Him. Even though it is a completely irrational point of view, it is still there.

He is the one...the only one who can free us from the shame. Why would you try and avoid him? I think it is because we hate to come to grips with the fact that we are not who we think we are, or at least who we think we should be. It is very disappointing to realize your not who you think you are...it creates shame...it creates separation.

I feel a lot better since I walked this morning. I feel a lot better since I made a point of connecting with Him this morning. I feel a lot better writing this morning and acknowledging what you all already know...I'm not who I wish I could be.