Change is in the Air

Change is literally in the air...it is cold. This morning heading out for the walk I was struck by a cold slap to the face. After retreating back and searching for the hat and gloves, I pressed on. But it was still cold.

Yesterday was cold and rainy (though it didn't rain on me), today was cold and clear, tomorrow...well who knows for sure. That's the thing...change is always...well...changing. The leaves that once were so green and lush now crinkle under foot. Cars were actually were covered with icy frost when yesterday they looked like they were going to float away. Yesterday the clouds seemed to be hovering over the ground...so much so that it was hard to distinguish the land from the sky. Change really is changing.

Because today was so cold and clear, I could look up into the sky...albeit a completely black sky. But there like pin holes through a black sheet, the stars that make up the constellation Orion. I remember the first time I ever put those stars together like a "dot to dot" drawing. There was his belt and his bow just glaring out at me as a young kid. All the times I had seen it before it just looked like a random pattern of stars. But once someone pointed it out to me...well I just got it...I saw it. I have seen it ever since. I have been in Europe, Central America, South America, and all three countries of North America..and in every place...I have seen him. There he is...aiming that bow...pointing it maybe at the scorpion that legend says took the great hunter down. He never really changes...oh his position and direction may change...but he remains the same.Sooooooooo....what your telling me is that somethings change (like the weather)...and some things stay the same (like Orion). Someone said the the more things change the more they stay the same. But it seems change is always changing, and same is always same. There is a constant in all things, but there is a change in all things. I think I like it. Change is in the air...but there is air.

Stuck in Your Head

Ever have one of those songs in your head...you know...those songs. Now sometimes you get a good song stuck in your head. But sometimes...its a song you are so embarrassed to even mention it. This morning...I had that kind of song. It was one of those days.

If I tell you, you can't think of me less (how could you think any less of me)...PROMISE?????

The artist (if you could actually call her that) was once a part of another embarrassing duo...okay it was Sonny and Cher. The song...Cher's famous hit..."Gypsies Tramps and Thieves." Now I'm not embarrassed because of the content of the song...but by the quality. It is a terrible song...and why was it in my head? And it was only those four words kept going over and over and over again in my brain. It rattled me out of bed this morning. Even though I wanted to skip out on walking this morning...that song HAD to be exorcised...er...exercised...out of my head.

As I walked along this morning, listening to Dave Matthews...that song slowly slipped out of my brain. It was as if the negative music needed some quality and good...to erase the bad. It really reminded me this morn about one of my favorite quotes from a guy named Paul. He said whatever might be true and noble and right and pure...if you see anything that is excellent and lovely and admirable and praiseworthy...let your mind dwell on these things. So when you get a song stuck in your head...make sure its a good one. Cause "GT&T" really sucks and does not fit any of those definitions my friend Paul spoke of.

Wow...How Does This Happen

Why is it that the things we know help us the most are the things we often give up doing. Let me explain.

I have a bad back. Any one who knows me well knows I have always been an overly hard worker...especially in my younger days as a carpenter. I was always the dirtiest guy on the job cause I felt like at least the bosses could see that at some point during the day I was doing something (even if it was rolling around in the dirt). When we needed to carry large loads of wood, I always tried to carry one or two more boards than everyone else. I didn't need to, but I wanted to prove that I was a valuable asset to my boss...and rarely in all the years I work as a carpenter did I not have work as a result.

But you know, when you turn 54, all of those extra studs, tons of sheets of plywood, and 4x12 headers seem to have taken a terrible toll on my back. Most days it hurts a little and most days it gets stuck in an awkward position, which makes it difficult to stay active. This unfortunately has been a detriment to my overall health as I find myself not wanting to do a lot of exercise...which makes it difficult to stay in good physical health. It's sort of a downward cycle...sore back...less exercise...less exercise...sore back...etc etc.

So for the last three weeks, I have had a really sore back. It makes it terrible to get down on the floor with the grandkids, tough to want to do projects around the house, and sitting for long periods of time can be really difficult. During that time, I have not walked once, not gone to the gym, and not eaten right...all of which makes everything feel worse. It makes me feel fat and out of shape and begins to effect my overall view of myself and the world around me.

But this morning...enough was enough. Had it. Over it. Nada! No Mas! Finis. I got up and walked. Not to the bathroom or the kitchen...on my 3 mile loop. I was in so much pain for the first halh mile or so, but then my back began to loosen up and I could feel my stride lengthen and my speed increased. Up the big hill and soon I was singing and feeling like Rocky as he topped that set of Philadelphian stairs. I was alive and well and doing great. No more limitations and no more pain. Wow...why didn't I do this earlier?

You know, all of us have something that holds us back from doing the things we know we need. We all have those things that we know if we would just do our lives would just work better. It might be eating, reading, worshiping, praying, loving, sharing, writing, or any thousands of things. We know we'll be better for it...but...sometimes the pain just feels too...well...normal.

Today...why not do something you know you need...but like me...you've been avoiding. Go on...just do it. Now doesn't that feel better.

Quotes

Man...these are really good

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.
- Woodrow Wilson

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
- Albert Einstein

There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'
- Frederick L Collins

Quotes

A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping.
- Kenneth Tynan

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers

More Quotes

I will let others do my talking for today.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
- Bill Watterson

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
- Thomas H. Huxley

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
- Samuel Butler

Quote

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
- Evan Esar

The Slacker

Hello. I know...I'm a slacker. I know it...you don't need to say it...please don't say it...I feel it...I believe it.

I have actually walked now two days in a row. I felt it too. My legs and back really hurt just walking for the first time in a month...my ankles...I hate getting old. But I did it...I walked. I'm going to walk again tomorrow. I like it...don't hate it anyway.

I was going to write yesterday...but I didn't. I had to come to grips with the why I didn't write yesterday. It was shame. I felt shame for not writing, shame for not walking, shame for not intentionally connecting with Him in a way I normally love to do.

Now it seems odd of course that I would feel shame over not writing...I mean it is not my job, nor am I mandated to do so. It is not because there are thousands of people reading this every day (though I do appreciate the few and faithful that do read this). But I did feel a bit of shame for not writing.

It's weird to feel shame for not walking. I mean come on...I could walk 30 miles every day and still be a large man. But it is my form of exercise...such as it is. But there is shame because when you don't get any other exercise you begin to feel like a slug...a slug about to get salted. And yet it's there.

Feeling shame for not intentionally connecting with Him...well that is an age old source of shame. I go back to the original parents who hid themselves away from Him when they had violated his one rule. They felt shame for the first time. I can't even remember the first time I felt shame...it's been a constant in my life from the beginning. When I feel shame for what ever it might be, my first instinct is to avoid Him. Even though it is a completely irrational point of view, it is still there.

He is the one...the only one who can free us from the shame. Why would you try and avoid him? I think it is because we hate to come to grips with the fact that we are not who we think we are, or at least who we think we should be. It is very disappointing to realize your not who you think you are...it creates shame...it creates separation.

I feel a lot better since I walked this morning. I feel a lot better since I made a point of connecting with Him this morning. I feel a lot better writing this morning and acknowledging what you all already know...I'm not who I wish I could be.

More Quotes

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.
- George Aiken

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
- Anatole France

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Just in the Nick of Time

This morning I got the walk in just under the wire. It has been raining frogs and chickens here lately. Now we need the rain...rain is good for us and good for our fruit trees and plants...rain is good. But honestly, walking in the rain kind of blows to me...I don't really like it. But I didn't have to this morning...as I said, I made it under the wire.

It's strange really. Why am I so glad to avoid the rain? I have all the best rain gear. I have great shoes for walking in the rain. It's not really a rational concern and yet...there it is.

Well the whole attitude I have towards the rain got me to thinking...He always says He causes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust. First of all, He causes it to rain. I have to assume that if He causes it to rain, then rain must be good. Why would I want to avoid something He has made good. Now it may be annoying and it may be...well...wet, but being wet is not so bad. Sometimes I choose to be wet. So it could be He wants me to experience rain so that I will learn something new about Him...or about me.

Reluctance/Avoidance

Hmmmmmmm. Pretty strange day already. I have come to face the fact that I have been extremely reluctant to walk in the morning, just as I have been reluctant to write this little bloggie. As a result of my reluctance, I have gone into a total avoidance mode. I guess it's just avoiding what may or may not be said...to me...by Him.
This morning I tried everything in my power to NOT put my shoes on. I painfully went to find my headphones and iPhone. I was not going to walk out that door. I refused to actually listen this morning. I did not want to hear His voice.
And I didn't.


I really don't know why.
I don't have really anything to hide.
Nothing that I'm terribly ashamed of.
I just did not want to hear from Him.

If I'm honest, I've been this way for a week or so.
Haven't walked or written.
Haven't sought Him out.


Not sure why really.

And yet...I walked.

And I wrote.

He's hard to shake you know.
Sometimes the best answer is to just do what you know is right...even if you don't feel it.
Not sure why...really.

Interesting Quotes

From my homepage this morning.

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.
- Bertrand Russell

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
- Robert Heinlein

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
- Harry Shearer

Silence

Ever have one of those mornings? You know, when you do all you are supposed to be doing, and yet it seems as if your just going through the motions. I got up on time. I asked Him if He was up for a walk. I put on my shoes, picked my music (Bruce Cockburn), and headed out with great anticipation. It was an absolutely gorgeous morning. I mean glorious. The stage was set for a BIG REVEAL. Come on BIG GUY...give me something GOOOOOOOOOOOOD this morning...I'm ready.

Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
Not a word or a whisper.

Okay, what did I do?
Did I say something wrong?
Did I do something that would have caused a wedge between us?

Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.

"What's up this morning" I says to Him.
"Can't you just be quiet and take it all in...look at how wonderful this day is today" He says.
"Well sure" I says "But it would be nice to have a little chat too...wouldn't it?"

Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.

So we walk home in silence...not a word spoke between us...just walking together quiet and...peaceful...relaxed...content. Weird. Why is it I think He always wants to tell me something? Maybe sometimes He just wants to walk with me quietly.
Okay...I can do that.

"But I'm here Big Guy...I mean if you want to talk...I'm here for you" I assure Him.

Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.

Except...I think I saw Him...roll His eyes!

The Wall

The term the wall is often referred to in a variety of ways. When one is walking or more likely running, it refers to an imaginary barrier that is very difficult to breakthrough. It often is referred to as something that mothers are driven up by their kids. Sometimes it refers to an immovable block that keeps people from progressing beyond the point at which they are currently. Or sometimes it refers to a barrier we put up to keep ourselves away from others. As a metaphor, it tends to get used a lot and in a variety of ways.

This morning as I walked, I listened to one of the great concept albums of all time. No surprise...it's "The Wall." Yes the landmark work of Pink Floyd, though primarily Roger Waters. It is really a story about a rock star who finds the success he has achieved to be too much for him to handle. So in the story, he builds a wall around him, to isolate himself from all normal life. As he withdraws more and more behind the wall, he becomes more and more detached from the reality of life. It is hard to imagine what that kind of life could be like for us "normal" people. But I get a glimpse of what that might be like when I listen to "The Wall."

This morning I thought I would listen to "The Wall" as kind of a little guilty pleasure. You know, clearly it has no spiritual significance, so it's kind of a "let's be a little rebelious for a moment" moment. In the grand scheme of things, no big deal. Surely He wouldn't mind me having a little fun.

But you know Him...He has a way of taking a little guilty pleasure and speaking right through it. He's like those guys who have a puppet on their lap, and your so busy watching the puppet you don't even notice the guy is speaking through the puppet (basically, I don't know how to spell ventriliquist). That is the way He spoke to me this morning. I was all focussed on the great music and the interesting metaphors, when I hear His voice loud and clear.
"Tear Down The Wall."
I'm all like "hey what a cool picture of these guys and what they need to do."
And he says it again..."TEAR DOWN THE WALL."
"To whom are You refering" I says to Him?
"Do you mean that people should tear down the walls they build up, is that what your refering to?" I says.
"TEAR DOWN THE WALL" He says again.
"WHO?.............ME?"
"Tear down the wall" He says much more softly this time. He gets much quieter when He thinks I'm actually listening...and actually getting it.
"So....your saying I need to tear down the wall...thats what your saying right?" just to push back on his point a little. It also is something I've learned is to restate what you think you have just heard so the other may affirm that that is what has just been stated. I'm pretty clever that way.
He restates it again..."tear down the wall."

I think I get it now. It's not just rock stars who isolate themselves behind imaginary walls, it regular folks like me. I tend to want to hide and protect myself...my heart...behind walls and barriers I put up as a defense mechanism. It is those walls we build that prevent others from actually knowing us and getting in to help us. It is those same walls that keep us from hearing His voice and allowing full access to the deepest regions of pain and hurt that only he has the medicine for. I think it makes a lot more sense to me now.

Tear down the wall.

Okay, So Here's MY List

You know, my daughter Sarah sends me this thing, and I think it's pretty cool. So I says to myself..."Self, you should do that too." So here it is. You can do it too and I'll read yours.

100 Things I've done, or like to do.
BOLD= have done
Italic= like to do

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Guitar)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (seen the top)
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (that'll never happen)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (Spanish...sort of)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David (it does'nt say in Italy)
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (well not like a real one)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (does Ballet count)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (seen the Guard)
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (working on it)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club (where you buy them)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (well I sort of had a baby)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Cave Tubing in Belize

That's me and thats my story...and I'm sticking with it.

Why Do I Do This?

That's it. That's the question. Why do I do any of it? Why do I walk? Why do I write this blog? Why do I even bother to get out of bed? These are the age old questions that inquiring minds like to ponder. As I was walking I actually gave considerable time and energy to answering those questions...and you being a person who likes to read the "Star" or the "Enquirer" would probably like an answer...no...you deserve an answer!

1. Why do I get out of bed? Well I wish I could say it was because I am so dedicated to life and living that I burst out of bed ready to throw my hat in the air (Mary Tyler Moore reference) and take on the world. But in reality, I gotta pee, my back is sore from laying in bed, and I'm tossing around feeling guilty for still being in bed. Once I'm up, I'm up. There is no going back to bed for me. So I have one of a couple options. I can sit on the couch, grab my laptop, and tune in to the daily soap called Facebook to see what everyone else is doing (usually some kind of exercise). Or I can go walking.

2. Why do I walk? See number 1. Well that and I need to get some exercise. I mean come on...I have got to do something. I mean my ideal weight is right around 600 pounds. That is where I would probably feel most content and happy. I mean when your that heavy, no one expects you to try and look slim. All the pretenses are over. But when your in the 200's, you are stuck between really being a super weight and being a fashion icon. Your too heavy to actually wear J. Crew, and yet to thin to actually go to the Big and Tall store. And the difficult part is...especially if you are big boned like I am...in order to really be slim...it takes sooooooo muuuuuch work. So we are relegated to wearing our shirts un-tucked and of course we always wear vertical stripes. So I walk to keep myself right in limbo land. Some will look at me and say "wow, I wish I could look like that." But most of you only look upon me with pity..."too bad he's so fat." To which I say..."I'm 350 pounds under my ideal weight...isn't that enough?"

3. Why do I write? You know, it occurred to me a while back that I really wanted to be a writer. Not so I could reveal any startling truths to the world. More so I could be on Oprah. But seriously, I have read hundreds of books and struggled to adjust my thinking to line up with a person I did not know, writing in a style I was not really familiar with. I had this sense that for me to gain the wisdom and insight I needed to gain, I really had to become someone else. It was as if no one was writing who was like me. Now there were some people who came close, and some great books that really spoke to my heart, but still...I had to reach to connect.

Then came the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. He is from Texas, he's younger than me, and there are thousands of ways he is not like me. But in his writing I saw myself. It was a voice I recognized. So I read all of his books and I realized I too could have a voice. Through Donald I found Anne Lamott and others that wrote in a voice and a language I could understand. It was then I set about to write down what it was going on in my head. Now the writer in me was coming to life. I found myself getting more and more introspective and probing the depths of why and how. I was turning pages in my life that had never really been opened. And as I wrote I felt Him right there...asking me questions..probing into my life...talking to me and telling me great things. So I try to capture those things that he speaks to me about, and write them down. And I do so in my voice...not anyone else...not even Donald's. Because maybe, you are struggling to find your voice and maybe you can connect with me...or NOT!

So now you know, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. I don't think I'm a great writer or a great walker, or quite frankly a good listener. But I am learning to quiet myself and as I write I feel very close to Him. So for me, it's all worship. You see I don't know any other reason as to why I am even alive other than to walk with Him and to somehow reflect some of him in my life. So there may be lots of reasons why we get out of bed...but the best is to spend time with Him.

Fear Revisited

This morning was all about fear. I mean really...whom do I fear...fear not for I am with you...and yet...there it is. I was afraid last night before going to bed that I was going to have a heart attack. I was afraid at my class that someone was going to jump out from behind the dumpster and beat me and steal my Bug. This morning, I couldn't find my iPhone which doubles as my iPod and my iCamera and my iFart Machine (that's really scary). I took off walking afraid I was still going to have that heart attack and people would think I was a speed bump in the middle of the road (albeit a big one). What can I say...for some unknown reason, I am experiencing fear all of the sudden.

But one of my biggest fears ever I faced head on this morning. One that I wrote about in the past, and now seems so silly. That's right...Elmo the Emu.

If your new to the Walker's Journal, a year ago I saw something strange and weird as I was walking in the early morning dark. I was not quite sure what it was and as I got closer and closer to it it moved quickly and I ran like a crying baby to get away from it. I thought it was an Ostrich, but later learned it was an Emu. Over the months that have followed I've seen him about a dozen times and have been less and less scared of him.

So this morning when I saw him, I not only didn't run away, but I actually called him to me. I did what every trained animal handler does...I whistled and said..."here boy...come here Elmo...come and see me." Of course I extended my hand like I was going to pet him...palm down...cause that's what you do....uh...for strange dogs. I was brave and fearless so he would know I'm not afraid of him...cause that's what you do with Lions...or something.

But to my surprise...Elmo started coming towards me. Now it's a strange thing when the things you fear actually start to come at you...as brave as you are for trying to overcome your fear, when they actually come at you...well...it changes things. All of that bravery I had in that moment was lost. I looked into those beady little eyes and that huge beak and I panicked...I fled...I freaked. I took off out of there at a brisk pace knowing all the while that Elmo could run me down in a second, and he could peck a hole in the back of my head and eat out my brains. No one would know, and no one would intervene cause once an Emu gets the taste of blood...well I shudder to think what would happen.

Its a funny thing about fear. Fear is sometimes real. He gives us the discernment to know when we are in danger. Women have this crazy intuition...especially about weird guys...it is a protection for them. Mankind has a healthy fear of Lions and Tigers and Emu's...cause they can be dangerous. But because we think we can handle anything, we try to overcome those healthy normal fears and challenge the natural order. What we find out is, that it is really just a matter of time before the Lion gets you, just ask Siegfried and Roy.

"Fear not, for I am with you." He said that. He also said..."run for your lives...there's an Emu right behind us." He's pretty smart...and fast too.

Quotes

Today, as I do everyday, I read the three quotes on my browser. I decided to share them with you too. Today was especially good. Here are the three quote for today.

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
- Marilyn Monroe

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
- Niels Bohr

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
- Laurence J. Peter

Songs in the Key of Life

I know, that is also the title of Stevie Wonder's landmark album. I know cause that was what I was listening to this morning on my walk. There are just some things that just go together, and walking and Stevie are made for each other. It must be quite a fright though for people waking up in the morning, going out to get their paper, and seeing a fat old white dude boogying down the street...not really walking, but more like grooving. Can't explain what happens...but it is a startling transformation...I FEEELLLL like I have rhythm...even if I don't.

What I love about this album, besides the music...is how Stevie shatters our conventional ideas and see's the world through His eyes. Maybe it is because Stevie can't actually see. You know how other senses seem to be enhanced when one is not present. Maybe He gave him a special ability to "see" what is important.

Now I have no idea what Stevie's religious affiliation is. My guess he is like most people, sort of a mixed bag of beliefs from various sources. But there is something about what God does through people with different perspectives. He uses people, even harsh critics, to hold up a mirror to our lives. When someone says people in the church are predjudiced and hypocritical, it is easy for us to discount what that person says. Or we can turn it back to them and show how evil they are and try to minimize that person.

Or..........we can take what they say and evaluate it as if looking into a mirror. As I listened to Stevie sing songs about the inequality that exists in the lives of men because, and soley because of the color of our skin, I have to admit that that is true. And not just true in the world, but true in my life. Now I may not have predjudice against black people, but it may be against Chinese people, or Arabs, or Skinheads.

The reality is we do have predjudice. As a person who walks with Him on a regular basis, you would think I would take on more of His characther. He is in fact a lover and designer of every person, people group, color, language...and yet, often I fail to appreciate what He has created.

That's why, I allow people like Stevie to speak into my life. I want to know how a Black man living in America feels and what he experiences...I need to know...I need to care...because He cares. As long as I keep myself closed off and segregated...even in my mind...I fail to see the spectrum of color and light He has created for me. I cannot be full and complete until I understand that I am not the apex of His creation...who could follow someone so shallow that would make me as their finest example of creativity.

But He is not me. He loves to create beauty in this world...it's up to us to open our eyes and see all that He creates. It is up to us to open our ears and listen to the beauty of the songs in the key of life all around us. Thanks Stevie for allowing Him to use you.

Oh Dem Blues

Well I was out there this morning. Walkin and talkin and listening to the Buddy Guy and Junior Wells album called "Alone and Acoustic." I love Buddy and had the chance to go to his club "Legends" in South Chicago once...what a great experience. Buddy wasn't there but we saw Luther "Guitar Junior" Johnson who was amazing. I got into the Blues back in the early 70's when my heroes like Clapton and Zeppelin all attributed their music to the Delta Blues from the 40's and 50's. Guys like Muddy, and Robert Johnson, and BB, and Lightnin, and John Lee. Well I started listening and saw it really change me...for the better. Let me explain.

I grew up in a culture and an environment where feelings were kept to yourself. If you had a problem...work it out by yourself. The idea of sharing how you feel or being honest about pain and hurt was problematic in my family. I began my journey in this life under the impression that we just don't connect with people on that kind of level...so I didn't. Now I don't fault my parents...it is what they learned about life from their parents. It was and is I believe a hold over from the Western European societies that propagated the "keep a stiff upper lip" mentality. No sign of any emotion what so ever...very proper.

And then you have this culture who is all about expression. Whether it originated from the tribal dances or it was inherently a part of their make up I don't know. But when African people began to be "integrated" into this predominantly white stoic culture, it was like oil and water. They sang of their troubles and their pain. They danced when they were joyful and celebrated enthusiastically every great and simple thing. They were expressive and outgoing and though they were outwardly confined, inwardly they were soaring free.

Blues music came as a result of years and years of oppression and being treated as if they were not as good or an equal to the stiff upper lip crowd. When your woman ran off with another man, you sang sad songs that made you feel the depth of that pain and sorrow and betrayal. When they were in love, they sang in code about how they really felt about that woman (or man in a few cases). But all of it was raw and real and heart felt...there was no "so put on a happy face' kind of songs...no way.

It is interesting to me how our culture, though founded on Judean Christian values, so rejected the Blues and the derivative that came out of it Rock and Roll, as being so evil. I mean come on, put a n old Martin guitar, a Honer harp, and a broken bottle neck in King David's hands and you have the way early version of the Blues. Jeremiah...the "weeping prophet"...that is so low down it makes a blues man look chipper. And isn't it amazing that Jesus hanging on the cross didn't cry out "cheerio..all right then...keep a stiff upper lip then...oh oh...no tears allowed." Instead Jesus wailed and cried and sang out an all time classic Blues line..."my God, my God, why have you forsaken me." Then he finished it out with a "it is finished."

From the very beginning to the very end of the Bible, we see a culture that was sad and down hearted when they needed to be. They rejoiced and celebrated when it was appropriate. They partied so hard at a wedding that Jesus had to make an additional 50 gallons of wine to keep it going. This was his first recorded miracle. Who wouldn't want to invite Jesus to their party. At the end of time when we are all gathered around the throne and laying in a heap in front of our God, I doubt the first words out of His mouth will be..."all right now folks...lets just calm down...you Pentecostals better settle down like the Presbyterians...and you Black churches...you are so out of order." No, every nation, every people group, and every culture will be represented, and it will be a PAR-TEE!!!!!

If Jesus felt the sting of hurt and pain...I'm sure it's alright for us as well. People...lighten up and get real...when your sad...listen to the Blues...you'll feel a lot better when you face your humanity and allow the God who created us as emotional beings to restore us and prepare us for the party.

More Thoughts on Families

As I was walking this morning, I was thinking again about my mom and dad and the influence they had on me. Thinking about the positive things they gave me and the negative ones I seemed to pick up as well. I realized every single one of us have picked some good and bad from our parents. Those coupled with our bad habits we create all on our own...well we're kind of a mess most days.

I was telling some friends yesterday about me writing about my parents, when one said, "I wonder what my kids are going to write about me."

Wow...it hit me like a piano falling from the sky...I have probably screwed up my kids too. I have always thought everything good they learned from me and everything bad...well...uhhh....I guess from Tr...no from the Devil. But to be honest as I see my kids now, I see their faults (which for their sake I will not point out in this forum) and I can see my own set of faults ingrained in them. I see their strengths and I see mine as well. And yet they too have developed their own unique set of problematic traits that they will more than likely pass on to their kids.

Its kind of a crazy scenario. If you are honest your kids see the ugly part of you and actually replicate those bad things. If you try to cover up the ugly in you they still seem to find it...and then call you a hypocrite to boot. I guess the same is true about our strengths as well...but it takes way longer to see.


Here's a song that Marc Cohn wrote that describes this whole process. It's called "The Things We've Handed Down."

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love


Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down


I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down


You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

The Rest of the Story

No! I didn't walk today. I'm sorry. But it was so wet and pissy outside I just flat didn't want to go...so I didn't. Happy. I'm a slouch.

But, I had so much yesterday I wanted to say and I simply ran out of time. I wanted to give you...you know...like Paul Harvey (God rest his soul) used to say...the rest of the story.

You see I wrote yesterday about how much I resemble my dad now that I am actually getting older. And everything I said was true. But it is really only half of the story. I am also a lot like my mother as well. Now in the past I was so mad at my dad for never seemingly taking an interest in me (I was the seventh child), that I used to say all of my bad qualities I got from him, and all of my good ones I got from my mom (wow long sentence). Well I have since matured a bit and I know that is not entirely true. My dad actually had some very good qualities that I greatly admire...and even possess at times. And truth be told, my mom had a few bad qualities that I seem to have at times too.

But my mom. Wow. What a woman. If my dad was the drill sergeant in me, my mom was the poet in me. My dad was the rigid un-compassionate unsympathetic jerk I can be. My mom was the sunlight laughter run through the daisies in me. My dad was Hank and Johnny and Merle and Buck and Porter and Patsy. My mom was Mozart and Ludwig and John Paul George Ringo and Miles and Woody and Rogers Hammerstein and Opera. My Dad was play by the rules and don't make any missteps in me. Mom was don't color inside the lines and wilderness without trails and no limits in me.

She was a beautiful woman. And even though the hard years and seven kids took a toll on her physically, she had a brightness and radiant beauty that shone out of the darkness all around her. She was what I was looking for when I found Tracey...I knew what I wanted...someone who reminded me of her beauty.

I miss my mom...a lot. I wish she could have seen the light she brought to me. I wish I could sit with her and know I matter and am important to this world and I make a difference. I wish she could know how I treasure the parts of her I find in me. They're the parts that seem to come out mostly when I am playing with my grand kids on the floor or building them zip lines. Or the parts that freak out over a sunrise or a sunset. There the parts that light up when that airplane lands in a foreign country and there are new horizons to discover. Or when some fat opera singer hits a really high note...man that just sends shivers up my spine.

I miss my mom...God rest her soul...I only really see her once in a while now...I need to see her more...
Where the heck are those grand kids?

Wow...It Just Can't Be

Today I got out early...early enough to avoid the torrential downpour that hit just as I was walking back into the house. I mean it just was pelting. I took all my rain gear in anticipation of what had been the pattern over the last few days...strong rain and strong wind. But nothing could have prepared me for the storm that was coming...nothing.

It really struck me as I was walking out the door...I'm getting older...it just can't be true...but it is. I was listening to The Frames, my new most favorite music. We got to see them when we were in Ireland and I was just blown away. They're kinda rock folk alt pop emo all rolled into one really neat package. Glen Hansard the lead singer and main writer is the guy who won the Oscar a couple years back for the movie soundtrack from "Once" (you should check it out...it's fantastic).

So I'm listening to The Frames and thinking how hip and cool I was, when it dawns on me...I'm 53 years old. That is the age my dad was when I was 18. I remember how old he seemed when I was 18. He only listened to country music and he had a buzzed haircut. He hated my music...thought it came from some jungle somewhere...and we should take it back to them. He loved Hank Williams (Sr. of course) and Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard...what an idiot. Who would like that crap (uhhh me now).

He would hang out in his garage all day long smoking and listening to that music so loud everyone in the house was disturbed. He kinda had the attitude..."I'm in my shop...F*%@ YOU". He would flip his cigarette butts all over the yard and then make me pick them up. Later he got a TV for his shop and so he'd watch it while he was out there...with the music blaring as well of course.

Needless to say...I didn't like my dad too much back then. Thought he was a recluse and kind of aloof from the rest of us. He even ate his dinner in there some times. Mostly though, he ate his diner in the living room in front of the TV while the rest of us savages scavenged for the remaining bits of mashed potatoes covered in creamed tuna...and canned peas...yuk!

It really makes me mad when I look in the mirror...I see old CW Wertz (I won't dishonor him by using his real name...he hated it...it was Cla*%#^ce). I definitly have his ears...big old floppy things...great for picking up signals from space. I kinda look like him. I kinda act like him. My worst nightmare is sadly comig true...I am my father...it just can't be true.
(Bill and Harriet Wertz)

As much as I try to deny it, I have taken on some of the characteristics of my father. I love music and I play it loud. If you walk into my shop and disturb me while I'm listening to music, I might snap at you (unless you have coffee or wine in your hands). I am very beligerant about my music. I know what constitutes good music...the rest of that stuff needs to go back to whatever jungle you found that in...get it out of my face. I still love to eat my dinner in front of the TV...now I don't do it much anymore...but it is a real treat for me when I can. I really, when left to my own devices, can be such a turd...just like my old man. God rest his soul.

Thankfully, I had another Father as well...I do hope I resemble Him too.

Red Sky In Morning...

The sky was on fire this morning. The pictures really don't do it justice. But it was one of those mornings where you are so proud of yourself for actually getting up and actually getting out the door. When He just says..."Hey Dude...take a look...it's magnificence on display for you...no one else is standing in the exact spot you are and seeing my display like you are...I created this very moment for you...and you alone." Wow...I better take another look.

What do you do when someone does something so special for you. Duh...just say thank you.

I started thinking though about the old addage, "Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in morning, sailors take warning." What in the who haw does that mean...and does it apply to me since I'm just a walker. It seems it has to do with dust particles in the air and it is an indication of turbulence in the air. I guess that means something to someone...but not to me.

I am one of those guys that if I want to know what the weather is like I'll open a window. If I get wet cause there is an unexpected shower...then I'll be wet untill I dry out...no big deal. If it snows and I get trapped and need to camp in my car for 13 days...well...just pray I don't have someone in the car who is weaker than me...can we say together Donner Party. The point is...I don't worry about stuff like that.

But even Jesus talks about this. In Matthew 16 he says to the Pharisee's,

"When evening comes, you say, 'It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,'and in the morning, 'Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.'You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky,but you cannot interpret the signs of the times."

It seems that some people are so focused on natural things that they fail to see the obvious. Some see the red sky and see weather related concerns. Some see the red sky and know He is just showing off a little...He can. How sad we get concerned about the weather and not see the bigger warning...a life without Him is going to be way worse than being is a ship in a rough sea...or being the weak guy at the Donner gathering...take a warning...

An Old Friend

This morning it was really cold out. Yesterday we had a late snow. Today it was cold and dry but the kind of cold you can feel like a layer against your whole body...I just walked faster hoping I wouldn't notice it. It was so cold...but despite the cold...I was surprisingly warm inside. I was walking with an old friend...John Denver.

I know...he was a bit of a freak. I know...his music was a little sappy. I know...I KNOW!!!! But I loved him. His music brought me such great comfort and great pleasure. So many of my ideals about life and relationships I learned from him. He had a joy and a sweetness about him that seemed to translate into joy and sweetness in my life...how could you not love this guy?

So walking with him this morning was an awesome reunion of sorts. It was nice to listen to his songs again from the perspective of a man who has been walking with Him now for 35 years. Also from the perspective of walking with Tracey now for 32 years (that alone would kill an ordinary man). My life turned out way different than Johns did. I was bummed when he divorced Annie. Her song was the guide for me in selecting my own bride. I wanted someone who "filled up my senses"...all of them...and I found her. I was bummed he was into some weird religion that made him think he was the center of the universe...too bad really. I was bummed he was estranged from his kids...so many of his songs helped me understand what a real father could be like. I was really sad the day I learned he had flown his experimental aircraft into the sea near Monterrey and died. I was sad because I wished he could have experienced more of the life he helped me to discover. There was so much more for him to experience...and yet...tragically it ended. I miss you sometimes John.

So walking with him this morning was really great. I know I only got to walk with his image...his ideal...that which he projected through his songs. I know he could sing about something without ever actually expressing what was really going on in his real life. I know all of this because it is true of me too. How often am I like John and "singing" about something I don't actually experience in my own life. How often am I really honest about who I am?

John, I'm sorry your life ended so soon. Thanks for all the great memories and your friendship over the years. Thanks for your life cause you are still teaching me things. I wish you could have met me and I you. I wish I could have introduced you to Him.

The Eagle and The Hawk

I am the eagle, I live in high country
In rocky cathedrals that reach to the sky
I am the hawk and there's blood on my feathers
But time is still turning they soon will be dry
And all those who see me and all who believe in me
Share in the freedom I feel when I fly
Come dance with the west wind and touch on the mountain tops
Sail o'er the canyons and up to the stars
And reach for the heavens and hope for the future
And all that we can be, not just what we are

Breaking Out

This morning I took a little different route for the walk. It was similar and yet different. I thought this morning that maybe I had gotten into a rut and needed to shake it up a bit. It was nice.

Ever notice that our lives can get stuck in that rut as well. I did. Well I should say He noticed...yeah Him. Actually I think He knew that long ago, that we humans like to think we are all different and independant, and yet we fall into routines and patterns...glorified ruts.
Well I'm not sure who came up with the idea...and I actually don't understand all of the significance...but whoever came up with the idea of Lent, probably found themselves in the middle of a big long rut. In order to get out of that rut, they decided they needed to shake things up...try something different.

Now trust me, I know life with Him is not all about giving things up. It is mostly about doing things that orient our lives towards Him. I find I can do so much more in Him that I never experienced without Him. But I also know there were somethings I had to give up in order to find Him. Lately, my life has been mostly focused on what I get from Him...not so much about what I can give Him. That is a sucky feeling to think I have made this all about me...

So...see ya later rut! I'm breaking out...and to be honest I am a little afraid...a little bit...terrified. But I have to believe my life is going to be better as a result.

So...today...the first day of Lent...I am giving something up. It's something that recently has become a default mode for my life...something so sinister you have no idea how it can suck the very life out of you. It consumes more and more of your soul and more of your time and more of your...well LIFE!!! So for 40 days starting today...I'm giving up TV. That's right...the Boob Tube...the Mind Number...GASP!!!!! I'm coming out of the rut....I feel better already just saying it.

But...you say...what will you do? How will you spend your evenings? I will spend time with my beautiful wife, I'll read books, I'll play my guitar, I'll work in my shop, I'll go for walks with that beautiful wife, I'll t...ta...tal........TALK to my beautiful wife.

Wow...are those the things I have been exchanging for a night of TV? Who decided that the rut was more appealing than life outside the rut...not sure...but it seems pretty awful to me now.
As for me and my beautiful wife...we will follow Him...we're out of the rut baybe...and LOVING IT!!!!!!

Spanish Pipe Dream by John Prine

She was a level-headed dancer on the road to alcohol
And I was just a soldier on my way to Montreal
Well she pressed her chest against me
About the time the juke box broke
Yeah, she gave me a peck on the back of the neck
And these are the words she spoke

[Chorus:]
Blow up your TV throw away your paper
Go to the country, build you a home
Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
Try an find Jesus on your own

Well, I sat there at the table and I acted real naive
For I knew that topless lady had something up her sleeve
Well, she danced around the bar room and she did the hoochy-coo
Yeah she sang her song all night long, tellin' me what to do

[Chorus]

Well, I was young and hungry and about to leave that place
When just as I was leavin', well she looked me in the face
I said "You must know the answer."
"She said, "No but I'll give it a try."
And to this very day we've been livin' our way
And here is the reason why

We blew up our TV threw away our paper
Went to the country, built us a home
Had a lot of children, fed 'em on peaches
They all found Jesus on their own

A Second Look

This mornings walk was a wet and rainy one. A mild drizzle turned to a steady down pour. On these days I put my hood up and I kinda get into reflective groove as I walk. It's usually an intense session of deep insight into my own life. But today, it was a little different.
I was listening to a digital copy, recorded off of a record, of Jethro Tull's classic allbum "Aqualung." Now this was a huge hit for JT and for me. This album pegs out at number 67 on the all time best album list...it is a classic. I remember how so many of the songs went right along with my way of thinking about life..and in particular...religion.

You see when I listened to it as a teenager, it reinforced in me everything I hated about the church. It spoke to those things that reinforced my personal bents against the way people were so exclusive and did so much wrong in the name of God. These views of mine, and JT's for that matter, got this album the dubious honor of getting burned by the religious right...I mean literally thrown into a fire. The flames of course only made this album more popular with those of us that wanted to burn down the existing structures and moral values. And then...
A couple years after being an Aqualung junkie, I had a opportunity to actually meet the real Jesus. In my zeal to be more and more focused on my relationship with Him, I put a lot of those albums into the round file. Many of them just seemed to put me in a very critical place. This album was always a catalyst for my mind to look suspiciously at God and frankly His people. So Aqualung was one of those albums that went bye bye in my purge of music (I'll tell you about that at another time).
Then one day I came across a digital copy. I wondered how it would hold up after all these years. So I loaded it into my iPod and set off on my walk.
Now I have to tell you...it sounded GREAT!!! I mean those opening riff's of Aqualung are classic...simple...grunged up...but smokin hot. Thirty six years and the music is still so intense and it buzzes in my soul. But the lyrics took on a whole new meaning to me. In the midst of those words that used to ring so true in my life about all of the negative in the church...I heard the rest of the story. In the midst of the criticism of the church, was a prescription for the church. Don't put God into your little box...he's too big for that. God cannot be confined to our religion. Would you really want to worship a God you can control or easily figure out. These words (though not entirely biblically accurate) express the frustration that many people feel who are outside the church. Those of us who are in the church often are the reason people don't want anything to do with God. That is a crime...a shame...a disgrace.
It is amazing how often when people try to point out our flaws and inconsistencies, we tend to react negatively...we tend to want to destroy anyone or anything that would criticize. Seems to me that was a key reason Jesus was crucified. Now I am not trying to compare Aqualung's write Ian Anderson with Jesus. But sometimes people outside the church can have a perspective that we may not see. I mean come on, God has used a jackass to speak to his people...surely He could use a rock star to reveal a little bit of truth to the church. I think we can handle the truth...I know God can.

OOOOOUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ouch! Man, I hate it when that happens.
I hurt my knee this morning. I didn't do anything to it...didn't twist it...didn't fall on it...didn't do anything out of the ordinary to make it hurt. I started out like I do most mornings, full of vinegar and ready to be schooled by Him. But this morning about a quarter mile into my walk...pain. I hate pain...but I usually am one of those people that just pushes through pain...even if my leg were falling off I still keep dragging. But this was a sharp and very prevelant pain.
About then, I came to a cross roads of sorts. Now if I turn back now, I could nurse this thing back the short quarter mile. If I keep going it means no turning back and I have to go up and over my big hill. Drag on Limpy boy...its what I do.
So as I crest the hill, the pain is at its sharpest...like someone shot an arrow into it. I keep pressing on and somehow the pain subsides. It must have been the adjustments I made to my stride, or the way I way I angled my back as I walked. It was kind of embarassing walking that way but somehow it reduced my pain level. I was thankful that I didn't see any other walkers this morning...they can be so cruel. One little weird walking pattern and they think your weak. But I was safe this morning.
As I press on, the minister of funny walks (have to go way back to "Monty Python's Flying Circus" for that reference), I notice now my back is hurting...then my foot...now my neck is hurting....what's the deal? I didn't do anything wrong and now I've got pain everywhere. Oh sure I could have turned back...but lets face it...you would have thought I was a wuss if I had. I pressed on, made some adjustments along the way, compensated for my pain and now my whole body is messed up...whats up with that?
Then He spoke to me. I wasn't really going to listen...honestly I was a little mad at Him for not just fixing me. Now I have all these other pains and aches.
"Don't you see?" he says.
"See what?" I says. "I see I am limping and hurting and aching and and and...."
"Wuss" he says. "All around you are other walkers who are hurt and walking in pain...and you are one of those walkers who look at their walking style and criticize it...somehow thinking you are better than them."
"Huh?" I says "Whatchyou talkin bout Willis?"
"You have no idea what pain people are in as they walk. They have to make adjustments...they have to compensate for the pain they feel and as they do...it creates other pains."
"ME????" "I do that?" "Surely not me!" "Okay...well...maybe just a little bit."
He was right...I hate that when He's right...I should be used to it by now...He is usually right.
Why do we do that? Why do we see someone limping around and we want to pounce on them? It hurts to face the truth about ourselves.
Ouch...

The Greatest Hits

Well it has been way over a month since I have written...and walked for that matter. But today was one of those special and not so special days. Special because it was a beautiful cold but showy morning. The clouds were really magical, the sun rising made them all shimmer as it began to reflect off of the bottoms of them. The wind was brisk and bitey and depending on the direction I walked it either propelled me along or slapped me right in the face. It was special to listen to music I had been trying to locate for like 30 years and finally found it (Dennis Wilson's "Pacific Ocean Blue"...yeah the Beach Boys Dennis Wilson). It was and still is fantastic. It has one of my all time favorite songs on it called "Only With You." It was special just to be up and moving and outside...considering my advanced age it was really special.

But it was also not special today as well. It was like that 100Th episode of "Seinfeld" where they just show little clips from the past 99 episodes...you know...it's good and funny but nothing you hadn't seen. It's like buying a greatest hits album of your favorite artists. Mostly reruns of something you already have. Again...all good...but you've been there done that.

Today was that day as well. As I spoke to Daddy I was looking for something new and exciting...you know to rock your world. But instead I only saw the things I had seen before...nothing special...just a different day. I even had a close encounter with the Emu again this morning...he didn't scare me and I even got a close up pic of him...no sweat...he didn't even notice I was there. Same old houses, same old streets, same old pains and creaky legs and ankles. Same old Same Old. Kinda boring really.


It wasn't until I got home that it kinda hit me...

Same Old Same Old...can be a good thing. Sometimes it is our desire for the new and shiny toys that makes us fail to recognize that the things we have were once new and shiny to us...but over time they become just routine. It can be a car or a tool or a house or a TV or a yard or a town or a hobby or a memory or a or a or a or a..............

It can be a wife or a husband a child or a grandchild or a mom or a dad or a church or a friend or..........God...my GOD!!!!!

How can we ever take for granted these precious and amazing gifts? Sometimes NOT SPECIAL is incredibly special. Sometimes a Greatest Hits album is better than the original. I mean come on...the number one selling album in the history of the United States at over 29 million copies is "The Eagles Greatest Hits." That's pretty special...

A Walk For Life

I'm a very lucky man. I know, I am blessed too...but I gotta tell you, I believe in a little luck. Let me tell you what I mean.

32 years, five months, and a few short days ago, I went to play tennis with my roommate Dave. Little did I know that Dave had arranged for us to meet up with two Cal Poly coeds named Gretta and Tracey. Now they were both really nice and really cute...but I was sort of in this relationship still...well...it is very complicated. But it was nice to meet some nice girls and play some tennis where I actually looked good...in fact I was a tennis god (compared to them).

The one girl was quiet and smart with beautiful long blond hair. I have to admit...I was attracted right away to her. The other girl was loud...VERY LOUD!!!! And perky...VERY PERKY. But she was cute too...brown hair...long...her name was Tracey. I had never met a Tracey before...especially a girl one. These two were roommates as well...just for the summer. I don't think Gretta could have handled the Perky One for much longer than that. But we played "tennis" and I think we got some ice cream. Dave and I went home and he asked me, "what did you think of the girls?" Well of course I told him the truth...Gretta...really cool. Tracey...ANNOYING!!!!!! Dave thought the same.

I know, what does this have to do with luck...or walking for that matter. Well actually, quite a bit. At that moment in my life, I was still in love with my old flame...I had actually been engaged to her. The prospect of meeting a girl like Gretta made me think that maybe I shouldn't try to hang on any more to the past...you know break out...move on. Some times we hang on to what is familiar and we fail to see what lies ahead. I was in a vulnerable spot in my life. I was lonely, and insecure, and really unsure where my life was going. I needed direction...and a sign...what and where do you want me to go next Lord?

And then...I got a phone call...not from who I had expected...it was the loud one...Tracey. "Hey I was wondering if I could borrow a backpack?" she says. So the next thing I know, she's knocking on my door. "Come on in" I said...and she did. She has never left.

I was really lucky that day...lucky in that God in His wisdom took a situation that could have been really bad...and made something really good out of it. I mean who knew why that LOUD girl wanted to be with me. Was she lonely? Was she hurt and broken? I was. I was lost and broken and confused about a lot of things. It was in that very fragile state, that God would bring two people together. It was as if God said to us "for just this special time and place I grant you two the chance of a lifetime...DON'T BLOW IT!!! And we haven't.

It has been a long walk...32 years...I love that LOUD girl way more today than I ever could have then. She has been a faithful friend and companion. She is a wonderful mother and grandmother. She has been a great partner in ministry and in life. She is the love of my life.

I am sure my old flame is still a great person. I'm sure Gretta has had a wonderful life. But God said to me, "hey Bill...you take the LOUD PERKY ONE."

I'm so glad I did...I am a lucky blessed man.

Stormy

You know it's going to be a rough morning when it sounds as if your roof is going to blow off. The sound of driving rain pelting against your windows. Just the perfect conditions to stay in bed and only think about walking...right...?

Yup...I did it...I got my sorry self up and hit the streets. Right out the door it blew my hood off. I had to stop and pick up the garbage and recycle that had blown out of my trash cans waiting by the curb to be picked up. I stopped and picked up Nina and Tom's next door as well...I noticed all the cans on my side of the street were blown open, while the ones on the other side were not. Hmmm.

I set out walking and it really didn't seem as bad as it sounded inside. It felt as if I had more energy and more spring in my step...you know...really good. When it is like this it is so right...nice.

I continued on my normal loop, listening to the first Jars of Clay album...like me...it still sounded so fresh and young...powerful at times...Billy likes these times.

And then I turned the corner. I was hit with a direct south wind that blew a bucket load of rain right into my face and down behind my hood. The rain and wind felt as if I was just hit with a fire hose...it made me almost turn around. I should have trusted my instinct and stayed in bed. This sucked. How could I go from peaceful and powerful to drenched and defeated with just one turn of the corner?

Wind direction. Thats what it was. Wind direction. When going with the wind it seemed peaceful and calm...but exciting and invigorating all at the same time. When going against the wind...well it just seemed to really suck...big time.

It was about that time I heard that little voice...you know...from Him. Yeah...that one. How pleasant it is to go with the wind instead of against it. "Do you see any analogies here" He said...like I should know the answer or something. "Let me think about it for a moment" I says back...hoping I'll have the right answer. Wind direction...wind...pnuema...Holy Spirit...good with the wind...bad against it. "Nope" I says..."don't see any connection." I knew better...I lied...I knew what he was saying to me. Just then my favorite Jars song came on...Worlds Apart

Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

Apparently, some one else tried to walk against the wind. Trust me...it's not that fun.

Okay...it's January...

It is in fact January. I promised myself that I would put all of the bad habits I picked up at the end of 2008 behind me and start fresh again...and I almost didn't. After a half hour wrestling match I determined no matter how painful starting to walk again was, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as the three round tag team match against me...that's right...Father Son and the Spirit all had me in a head lock and full body slam. Alright...you win.

So it was dark and rainy and lonely out there...just like I like it. I set off this morning wondering how my feet were going to hold up, worried my legs would go out on me, my back was aching and so maybe I can cut it short. You know, looking for anything I could do to make the walk as self focused as possible, and yet still get credit for being obedient (well I guess I did loose the wrestling match). It is amazing how self absorbed and self focused we can be. I mean it was a glorious new day, warm (that's a big change) and barely raining...why did I not notice it? I was so smug for being obedient that I couldn't even enjoy the walk. It reminded me of Pastor Jerry's message on Sunday.

He talked about the three people who received talents. The one who got one buried his and didn't invest it in anything. God rebuked him for his lack of courage to do anything with it. Anyway, Jerry said those people that are represented people who are ONLY impacted by God, as opposed to someone who has been impacted but are impacting others as well. It was really good....I hadn't ever thought of it like that.

So it was with me this morning...I was that guy. I was the guy who was only worried about getting credit for how much I was sacrificing, how obedient I was being, how down right godly I was, I failed to see the morning. I was so focused on my feet and my legs and my back I failed to see the glory of God all around me. I had won the battle but lost the war. What a loser...how spiritual am I?

About three quarters of the way around my loop, a song came on my playlist by The Frames (a band I discovered in Dublin Ireland). The song was called "True". It was probably written for a woman...but hey God speaks to people through Donkeys...surely he could use a song to speak to me. Needless to say, the score stands...Bill zero...Trinity two...so far today.

Here it is.

True by Glen Hansard and The Frames

I find it so hard to be true
And all these lies I'm telling you
Are little anchors in my chest
That pull us down into this mess
I find it easy to distract
And just as soon as you turn your back
I'll be gone again

I find it so hard to be true
And all the secrets I keep from you
Are like a blackness in my heart
That only tears us both apart
I find it easy to pretend
That we're not heading for our end
That's why I'm telling you

I built a wall
I cut you off
Now there's no lie
That's gonna fix this up
I played the saint
The saint I aint
Now all the hurt
Is here again.... here again

I find it so hard to be true
But I'm gonna try my best for you
And every distance that we've known
Will disappear before too long
And every line we've ever drawn
Will be erased before we're gone
This I swear to you

I built a wall
I cut you off
No there's no lie
That's gonna fix this hurt
I played the saint
I cursed your name
Now there's no one
But myself to blame

That you're gone
wait...
wait